A silly little Easter tradition has reminded me once again how far I have come in my eating disorder recovery.
Every year, my father gives my sister and I an Italian chocolate easter egg with hazelnut truffles in the center (YUM) Truthfully I look forward to it each year, and although it is expected, I still get surprised that at 29 years old, I am enthused by a funny shaped chocolate.
I don’t even LOVE chocolate, but this one hits differently.
One time when I lived in London, my dad spent months getting this egg all the way from Italy to Boston, just so he could write a card, put it in the box and ship it to London. That's how much this egg means to us.
Me, with the coveted egg.
I remember being so excited by this chocolate and missing home excessively, that I binge ate the ENTIRE egg in one sitting. After all, customs had made it easy for me because they had broken it into a million pieces when they searched it for drugs.
I felt sick after, hated myself, and crawled into bed to watch a movie, promising myself that tomorrow I would "work it off."
Now, how does this tradition stand as a marker for me?
Well this year, the excitement grew around the chocolate. So much so, that in New Zealand I found mini eggs and bought a bunch for my dad a month before Easter. For the first time EVER I was going to be the egg giver, and not just the receiver.
Well, I received the chocolate with a smile and a kiss, put it in my car on the way home, and then completely forgot about said egg for two weeks.
Talk about EXCITEMENT when it was rediscovered in my backseat.
But the confusion I felt at first though to realize I had forgetten about the coveted easter egg?! What was wrong with me??
And then I remembered.
I have spent years deconstructing my emotions around food. It took time to understand my eating habits, and rebuild a beautiful relationship with it.
I no longer lean into foods when I am exhausted or stressed, or feel like a part of my life is out of sorts. Nor do I binge on them once a year because I prohibit myself from "indulging" any other time. Binge eating was a far more common tradition in my life than just the yearly easter egg. This year was different because after I was gifted the egg, I didn't feel this need to devour it in one sitting.
This is what living is all about.
Letting go of the guilt and constraints that once determined your every day and to exist in the present moment. Understanding yourself. Your limitations, your underlying beliefs, and why you move the way you move.
But then, through finding patience with yourself, you rediscover a world that once felt so far away and you get to enjoy the little traditions that have shaped you.
For some it may seem like a silly chocolate easter egg, but to me I see hardwork and growth. I see a whole new world of memories that will be built on the back of the emotional barriers I have broken down.
So, I’m curious... What’s your easter egg moment?
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